Funnies
Some of these are dark, and all of them are not to be taken seriously...
ONE LINERS
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I would never install a "Nueralink" in my brain, because what if Elon Musk makes me download an entire U2 album against my will?
I’m not saying men have lower standards than women, but men masturbate to cartoons.
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Does anyone else get PTSD when someone has your alarm as their ringtone?
If I were Richard Spencer, I would only wear supreme.
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Do you guys think humans are the least coordinated species? Like if tigers aren't coordinated, they'll die, but if Gerald isn't coordinated, he will just get an office job.
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"When life hands you lemons: ask to speak to life's manager because you didn't fucking order lemons."-Karen
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Do friends get other friends jobs for Christmas? Or do I need to be richer and whiter for that to happen?
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I would like to invent the capital space bar. It's like a normal space but capital, and only used for dramatic pauses and emphasis.
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We should start naming hurricanes after climate deniers.
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If we want to keep the robots from taking over the world, we should program them to be addicted to drugs.
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I know police brutality is bad because every time I put handcuffs on my girlfriend I feel white guilt:(
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Pretty insensitive of my phone to autocorrect "Donner Party" to "Dinner Party".
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Is it weird that I am inspired by Rachel Dolezal's commitment?
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CONCEPT: An alarm clock that sounds like your microwave. So every time you hear it, you become excited and energetic.
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FAKE FACTS
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Jehovahs Wintess’ invented multi level marketing pyramid schemes.
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A Merry-go-Round is just a sideways Ferris wheel. Don't let them fool you.
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One thing that's great about being a really fat kid, is that you grow up and all of your clothes still fit you.
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Less than 1% of crickets ever make it big.
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I once ate donkey for lunch in Spain, and all I could think about was Eddie Murphy.
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When Jeff Bezos got divorced, we went from 3 people having as much wealth as the poorest 50% of Americans, to 4 people having as much wealth as the poorest 50% of Americans. Meaning that divorce did more for income inequality than the government has ever done in my lifetime. (this is actually just a regular fact that I wish were fake)
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If your last name is Parker, that means someone in your family lineage was a valet.
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Every Mob movie is just a classier version of jersey shore.
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If I ever get a boat, I'm going to name it "YACHT YACHT YACHT YACHT" in honor of Kendrick Lamar.
A dab is just a nazi salute in reverse.
87% of horror movies are written by schizophrenics. The other 13% are written by Stephen King.
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Tiny homes are just hipster trailers.
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Boomers took no action against climate change, a crisis that is threatening an entire generation of young people. So in return, millennials are taking no action against COVID, a crisis that is threatening an entire generation of old people.
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The homeless crisis has only been caused by a recent shortage of caves.
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A chocolate chip bagel actually is a dessert bagel.
After trump was elected, my four muslim friends got together and started a music group called “Band All Muslims”.
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My generation is the Generation of the POD. Yesterday I was listening to a podcast, on my iPod, through my AirPods, while smoking a juul pod, hanging out with my COVID pod.