Funnies
Some of these are dark, and all of them are not to be taken seriously...
ONE LINERS
I would never install a "Nueralink" in my brain, because what if Elon Musk makes me download an entire U2 album against my will?
I’m not saying men have lower standards than women, but men masturbate to cartoons.
Does anyone else get PTSD when someone has your alarm as their ringtone?
If I were Richard Spencer, I would only wear supreme.
Do you guys think humans are the least coordinated species? Like if tigers aren't coordinated, they'll die, but if Gerald isn't coordinated, he will just get an office job.
"When life hands you lemons: ask to speak to life's manager because you didn't fucking order lemons."-Karen
Do friends get other friends jobs for Christmas? Or do I need to be richer and whiter for that to happen?
I would like to invent the capital space bar. It's like a normal space but capital, and only used for dramatic pauses and emphasis.
We should start naming hurricanes after climate deniers.
If we want to keep the robots from taking over the world, we should program them to be addicted to drugs.
I know police brutality is bad because every time I put handcuffs on my girlfriend I feel white guilt:(
Pretty insensitive of my phone to autocorrect "Donner Party" to "Dinner Party".
Is it weird that I am inspired by Rachel Dolezal's commitment?
CONCEPT: An alarm clock that sounds like your microwave. So every time you hear it, you become excited and energetic.
FAKE FACTS
Jehovahs Wintess’ invented multi level marketing pyramid schemes.
A Merry-go-Round is just a sideways Ferris wheel. Don't let them fool you.
One thing that's great about being a really fat kid, is that you grow up and all of your clothes still fit you.
Less than 1% of crickets ever make it big.
I once ate donkey for lunch in Spain, and all I could think about was Eddie Murphy.
When Jeff Bezos got divorced, we went from 3 people having as much wealth as the poorest 50% of Americans, to 4 people having as much wealth as the poorest 50% of Americans. Meaning that divorce did more for income inequality than the government has ever done in my lifetime. (this is actually just a regular fact that I wish were fake)
If your last name is Parker, that means someone in your family lineage was a valet.
Every Mob movie is just a classier version of jersey shore.
If I ever get a boat, I'm going to name it "YACHT YACHT YACHT YACHT" in honor of Kendrick Lamar.
A dab is just a nazi salute in reverse.
87% of horror movies are written by schizophrenics. The other 13% are written by Stephen King.
Tiny homes are just hipster trailers.
Boomers took no action against climate change, a crisis that is threatening an entire generation of young people. So in return, millennials are taking no action against COVID, a crisis that is threatening an entire generation of old people.
The homeless crisis has only been caused by a recent shortage of caves.
A chocolate chip bagel actually is a dessert bagel.
After trump was elected, my four muslim friends got together and started a music group called “Band All Muslims”.
My generation is the Generation of the POD. Yesterday I was listening to a podcast, on my iPod, through my AirPods, while smoking a juul pod, hanging out with my COVID pod.